Friday, May 3, 2013


how do I see me?
Can't believe I'm posting TWICE in a week. All this RAW has  really kept me thinking! This is ALWAYS a journey of discovery! 
A big word is accountability. We need it, it IS important. It is also about "perspective". I am blessed to help a LOT of people. You'd think helping "myself" would be easy, right? 
it sure is NOT easy! We are harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else. See that all the time, correct? 
                                          Know better; I USED to think I did!
*At my 6th birthday party my mom had put up a magnificent obstacle course. During the events I saw a mouse on the lawn. I wanted to catch it. My mom told me not to because it would bite me. I KNEW BETTER. Yes, the mouse bit me. I had to go in and get a tetanus shot. 
*When I was 8 I was outside on the front lawn. My mom told me that one of the trees was covered with poison ivy and NOT to TOUCH IT.
 She did explain that I would get poison ivy. 
Of course I KNEW better, so after she went inside I went to the tree rubbed the leaves all over my face and arms. I missed 2 days of school that time. Can't see when your eyes are swollen shut! I know this is just "childhood" but still makes me think!
 What holds me back? What holds any of us back?
How do we know what works for us, what is the best for us.... trying! HAIR: a big deal for MANY of us!  I've had really long hair, and really short. Within the last few years I tried growing my hair long again. I have daughter and daughter in law with amazing wonderful LONG hair. I have a good friend with such cute long hair I wanted to try! It just never "fit me" right! This week I chopped inches off my hair and I love this haircut! As soon as I cut it, I started hearing how "much younger" I looked, etc. Also... I have a great neck and it is a good length to show it off!
HEY... this is what is THE BEST for me! I can LOVE ME! 

I have come a LONG way in the last 2 years:

Two years ago I got my body into AMAZING shape! I felt like I could RUN! I felt free, and "light". I started getting comments that I was "TOO THIN". There were other ones too! For some crazy reason I let THOSE comments get to me. I didn't stay focused on WHERE I felt my best! I would slip and not follow through with the healthy choices. I remember cringing when I'd hear it! 
IT WAS ME... I knew I felt fantastic! I was BEATING genetics. My family history of Diabetes. What I DON'T WANT:
Type 2 Diabetes can develop from many different things. First, a person's cells can get covered up with fat. This happens when a person is out of their healthy weight range. This fat covers up the keyhole that insulin needs use to let the glucose in the cell. Without the insulin working, the glucose cannot fuel the body. Instead, it ends up just floating around in the person's blood and building up.

Little by little I let my "struggles" get the best of me. I would fluctuate in my weight. a couple times a year almost popping out of my pants! (LOVED wearing dresses/skirts because I thought I could hide!) My face would rapidly get back to "pudgy". 
I would focus, sort of and try to get back..... using "correction days" to cover up my over eating!  CHOICES!

Here I am! I have TOOLS... I research HORMONES and have absorbed much from a wonderful author and book!    
FINALLY learning about "ME", "MY BODY" and HUNGER! I love the hunger scale. And the permission to say: "No thank you, I'm not hungry...."

Even with all these wonderful tools I've still struggled. I have a sugar addiction. I will VERY easily fall and then beat myself up! I know I shouldn't..... I know better! (Mice and poison ivy, right?)

I am working on LOVING myself, and being comfortable in MY SKIN! It won't fit on anyone else!!!
Check out this blog:  *this POST IS FANTASTIC and says it all!*
"Be yourself.  Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are.  Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else.  Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms.  And above all, be true to YOU

This morning I weighed for the first time in MONTHS! I say that I am anti scale because we should not depend on the scale to tell us if we are okay and wonderful and all that... BUT I realize IF I didn't weigh, I was ABLE to avoid the consequences of the poor choices I was making! DUH! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! I have been choosing well for about a week, and off and on before that. BUT.... part of me wants to GET ON TOMORROW! I don't need to, once a week is good for a guideline... for ME

All this is such a PERSONAL journey. NO ONE can tell "ME" how I'm feeling right now!
I want that feeling where I can almost take off and RUN! I have said it before, it is not about a number on the scale or a size. It does make it fun... but this is MY BEST! This is about RESPECT for one another!   I HAVE THE POWER.... I am not going to give it away to anyone! 
Thanks to my wonderful friend Diane... she is a light and an example that I CAN FIND my best and LOVE all the rest BEST!
 I love sharing the journey but only I know what's best for me!!!! YOUR job is to find out YOUR best! 
  MY AWESOME   YOUR AWESOME... we all get awesome!
May we embrace all our unique experiences and be supportive! NOW as I take my body to the BEST it can be I am going to listen to ME! I don't plan on letting those "other" voices in my head make my decisions!                  

Wednesday, May 1, 2013



 adjective \ˈrȯ\
: not cooked
(1) : being in or nearly in the natural state : not processed or purified <raw fibers> <raw sewage> (2) : not diluted or blended <raw spirits>

I have actually been thinking about this for WEEKS. A lot of emotions have been STOMPING through my head. I've even put notes on my phone, and written on the back of a magazine so I wouldn't forget. I have at times been ashamed at some of the thoughts this topic has brought to the surface for me. BUT... this is what THIS IS! "ME", honest and "raw".
I will not dilute this post.


last night I was "edgy"                  
and FEELING hungry
but NO
I was watching Castle and Kate walked away in a scene
I asked myself WHAT DO I WANT MOST FOR ME?
it is to FEEL
as I walk away

I've been STRUGGLING with my "food issues" all my life. I didn't think of it as an "addiction" until just recently. (Remember, at my age recent can be up to a decade!) As a young child I remember the phrase: "Eat your food, there are starving children..." My grandmother did not appreciate it as I offered my plate to them. Then  years later, that same grandmother commented when I asked for "more" lunch. You want MORE? You want to EAT MORE? I had been on a lot of different medications before I was diagnosed with Rheumatic Fever, and months of not walking were taking a toll on my body. Still, MIXED SIGNALS!
I am tall, I was tall young. I have sisters, they are not tall and they were "tiny" like my mom. I remember feeling like I didn't fit in. Insecurities....  Stitches that ARE the "fabric" of our lives. 
So much about food is emotional. Our society is "BASED" on food and eating. Celebrations are FOOD oriented. It isn't just physical! 
My body does not do well with some foods. I also have very short triggers that can be switched on with JUST ONE BITE! I was offered cake a few days ago. I said "No thank you". Then I got a very sweet "How about a small slice, or a bite". I had to explain that I couldn't even have one! *Check out my SUGAR ADDICTION POST*. 

So for me I often have to  make the SAME DECISION, over and over and.......
What do I WANT? What is BEST FOR ME?
In my journey I've gotten LOTS of comments. Positives, and also the ones like: "You're TOO THIN". I am NOT defined by a number or a size. My GOAL is MY BODY, MY HEALTHIEST! Where do I FEEL my best? Can ANYONE tell you what FEELS best for YOU? Then there are the "You look so good" comments, and it makes it easy to 'relax' a bit and taste....... For me, there is no JUST ONE! This is so far beyond a potato chip marketing campaign! 

Yes, I've been thinking about this constantly. 
I get to decide what I NEED TO DO. My goal is to share so that understanding will abound for all on the journey to "be the best".  I LOVE all that I'm learning. I have connected with AMAZING people and I feel blessed. I also sometimes feel FLAWED and I know I shouldn't! My struggle doesn't make me any less of a great person, it doesn't change my titles of "Wife, Mom, Grandmom". 
THIS comes from inside me. 
I am writing my story. There are delete features on the computer, but life takes a bit longer... 
I choose to share my story. I CHOOSE to be honest and RAW. I am not holding back here. I've shed tears over my frustrations and I know I join millions who feel the same.  This is MY transformation, one step at a time! I will heal from my slips and falls. As I PAY ATTENTION to "me" they will happen less, because I am better! (And worth it)

This is a powerful process. There is no age limit, GOOD THING! I'll be 58 in just about 3 weeks. I have a goal to FEEL my best by the time I hit 60. I have 2 years! With healthy choices, self LOVE and acceptance, USING my knowledge for health.... I can DO THIS! I am ME, this is worth it. 
I AM thankful!