Wednesday, May 1, 2013



 adjective \ˈrȯ\
: not cooked
(1) : being in or nearly in the natural state : not processed or purified <raw fibers> <raw sewage> (2) : not diluted or blended <raw spirits>

I have actually been thinking about this for WEEKS. A lot of emotions have been STOMPING through my head. I've even put notes on my phone, and written on the back of a magazine so I wouldn't forget. I have at times been ashamed at some of the thoughts this topic has brought to the surface for me. BUT... this is what THIS IS! "ME", honest and "raw".
I will not dilute this post.


last night I was "edgy"                  
and FEELING hungry
but NO
I was watching Castle and Kate walked away in a scene
I asked myself WHAT DO I WANT MOST FOR ME?
it is to FEEL
as I walk away

I've been STRUGGLING with my "food issues" all my life. I didn't think of it as an "addiction" until just recently. (Remember, at my age recent can be up to a decade!) As a young child I remember the phrase: "Eat your food, there are starving children..." My grandmother did not appreciate it as I offered my plate to them. Then  years later, that same grandmother commented when I asked for "more" lunch. You want MORE? You want to EAT MORE? I had been on a lot of different medications before I was diagnosed with Rheumatic Fever, and months of not walking were taking a toll on my body. Still, MIXED SIGNALS!
I am tall, I was tall young. I have sisters, they are not tall and they were "tiny" like my mom. I remember feeling like I didn't fit in. Insecurities....  Stitches that ARE the "fabric" of our lives. 
So much about food is emotional. Our society is "BASED" on food and eating. Celebrations are FOOD oriented. It isn't just physical! 
My body does not do well with some foods. I also have very short triggers that can be switched on with JUST ONE BITE! I was offered cake a few days ago. I said "No thank you". Then I got a very sweet "How about a small slice, or a bite". I had to explain that I couldn't even have one! *Check out my SUGAR ADDICTION POST*. 

So for me I often have to  make the SAME DECISION, over and over and.......
What do I WANT? What is BEST FOR ME?
In my journey I've gotten LOTS of comments. Positives, and also the ones like: "You're TOO THIN". I am NOT defined by a number or a size. My GOAL is MY BODY, MY HEALTHIEST! Where do I FEEL my best? Can ANYONE tell you what FEELS best for YOU? Then there are the "You look so good" comments, and it makes it easy to 'relax' a bit and taste....... For me, there is no JUST ONE! This is so far beyond a potato chip marketing campaign! 

Yes, I've been thinking about this constantly. 
I get to decide what I NEED TO DO. My goal is to share so that understanding will abound for all on the journey to "be the best".  I LOVE all that I'm learning. I have connected with AMAZING people and I feel blessed. I also sometimes feel FLAWED and I know I shouldn't! My struggle doesn't make me any less of a great person, it doesn't change my titles of "Wife, Mom, Grandmom". 
THIS comes from inside me. 
I am writing my story. There are delete features on the computer, but life takes a bit longer... 
I choose to share my story. I CHOOSE to be honest and RAW. I am not holding back here. I've shed tears over my frustrations and I know I join millions who feel the same.  This is MY transformation, one step at a time! I will heal from my slips and falls. As I PAY ATTENTION to "me" they will happen less, because I am better! (And worth it)

This is a powerful process. There is no age limit, GOOD THING! I'll be 58 in just about 3 weeks. I have a goal to FEEL my best by the time I hit 60. I have 2 years! With healthy choices, self LOVE and acceptance, USING my knowledge for health.... I can DO THIS! I am ME, this is worth it. 
I AM thankful!

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